So, this past semester at Uni was not a great one for me. I really struggled. Trust me, I was very surprised, and I'm not even completely sure why... perhaps it was the lack of sleep or motivation.
In any case, I managed to fail, in my eyes, for the first time.
In my math subject of all subjects... Not a great feeling...
I honestly was so annoyed at myself that I think I've only just come to terms with it. Therefore, let me give you an idea of what to expect:
Denial
This is a big one. For the last week of when our results are being released, I tortured myself by continuously checking my mark to see if it had been bumped up that 4% I needed to pass. Of course, I should have sucked it up and tried to make some progress with emails and forums, but I was so convinced that there was a way out.
Anger
I refused to talk about the ordeal. If anyone asked, I would either get annoyed with them or change the subject. There were a few close friends I told, but I still did not wish to talk much. I loathed the idea of repeating that subject all over again. An issue I had was that my parents were also in a state of denial and anger, which did not help.
Bargaining
I made some progress on the last day of the period where the marks are released. That morning I was rudely awoken by my mother, still angry at my results and perhaps angrier that I had not done anything about it yet. So while I was hiding bitterly under my covers, she called up the Uni and found the email addresses I needed to get some information on what my options were. I sucked it up and got out of bed to send out the emails asking what I can do and if there was any way I can increase my mark by just a tiny bit.
Depression
The first email I received said that the woman was unavailable. The second, although it helped, was a little aggressive. I was told firmly and roughly that there was no way I could have my mark changed. I put the professor's tone down to the fact that this was probably the 147th email that he had received about the same topic. In the email I sent, I had also asked if I could go through the exam with a teacher so that I could ensure I did not make the same mistakes twice. When he agreed, I regretted including this question. Going through the paper that had caused me so much pain did not sound like a fun idea, but I went along with it and got up at 6:30 am on a Monday morning for a meeting at 9:30 am in the city.
Acceptance
The professor was one I had seen before, and I preferred his method of teaching to the lecturer I had had that semester for the subject. Despite the fact that I was late due to Melbourne traffic, he went through the exam carefully and emphatically with understanding, showing me where I had gone wrong and how I could fix it. Annoyingly, a lot of the loss marks were made up of silly mistakes, but a few were caused by not fully understanding and memorising the content properly, like using the wrong rule and equation for a circumstance. Although I hated the thought of going, I am glad I did, and I hope that I have him for a lecturer next semester. I am also thankful of my boyfriend travelling to the city with me so that I didn't have to go in alone; sometimes it's good to have a handrail.
I later managed to realign my subjects for 2017 to include the subject I failed, and luckily I was able to fit it in without much punishment. And so everything has sort of worked out in the end
If I could go back, what would I do?
I would try to talk more. I would have looked for the information I needed sooner to ease the suffering I went through by waiting. I would have realised that it wasn't all that bad, and now I can aim for a much higher mark rather than just trying to pass. I would have moved on.
And what would I tell you? The same thing I currently tell myself about failing. The fact that you're more likely to learn by failure than by success. Think of it as an advantage that is going to come to life in the future.
I think of it as an alleged saying by Thomas Edison that used to intrigue me as a child by the fact that is it okay to fail. A saying I should have remembered earlier, and one I will not forget easily now:
"I have not failed 1,000 times. I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways to NOT make a light bulb."
- Michelle F. Keane
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